Saturday, August 29, 2009

Twisted Folk's Tales

Presenting the great Ronald Reagan's version of "The Little Red Hen," populated with lazy American farm animals expecting hand outs and one hard working entrepreneurial chicken.

My version approaches it from a different angle:

The Little Red White & Blue Pig
Once upon a time there was a little red, white and blue pig who had inherited bags and bags of wheat grain. He called his neighbors and said “If y…-er we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to sell. Who will help me plant it? I can pay four dollars an hour'
"Not I, I need a job with medical insurance," said the cow.
"Not I, I need to earn enough to send my kids to college," said the goat.
"Not I, I need to earn enough to invest money for my nest egg," said the goose.
“You are all lazy and unproductive,” said the little red white and blue pig.
“I will,” said the chihuahua, who had snuck onto the farm looking for food.
"It pays fo…er three dollars an hour," said the little red, white and blue pig. “You can work from sunrise to sunset, and I’ll even let you have a half hour for lunch, plus one toilet break!”
And he did. The wheat grew tall and ripened into healthy golden grain. "Who will help me add chlorine dioxide gas to my wheat?" asked the little red, white and blue pig.
"Not I, it’s too dangerous" said the goat.
"You’ll take out all the vitamins," said the goose.
"A low fiber diet is linked to constipation and diarrhea" said the cow.
"I will," said the little chihuahua. He was still hungry, so his wife and puppies came along to help.
And so the little chihuahua and his family helped with the chemicals and grain while the little red, white and blue pig went to his air-conditioned office and called his business manager about starting a new company to manufacture vitamins and anti-diarrhea pills.
At last the time came to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake bread in my sweatsho…er bakery" asked the little red white and blue pig.
"That facility is unsanitary" said the cow.
“I demand overtime and a safe workplace!” said the goose
"You’re violating labor law," said the duck.
"Bunch of socialists," said the little red, white and blue hen, so she hired some goons to knock sense into the barnyard animals.
“I will help you,” said the little chiuahua, who was now supporting many family members on the farm and back in his desert home. So the chiuahua family worked and worked, until one early morning they arrived to find the bakery door padlocked shut.
“Go back to where you came from, wetback” said the little red, white, and blue pig. “I’ve sold all my wheat and don’t need you anymore. I’m into venture capital investments now.” Soon the pig couldn’t keep track of all the places he had invested his money.
One day the eagle came to the farm and said it was time for the little red white and blue pig to help pay for the water, fences and roads on the farm that the pig had used for his businesses. “I’d like to help, but I’m incorporated in the Cayman Islands. You’ll have to get it from the animals that live here.”
Later the little red white and blue pig bought the barn with money he had borrowed from the big red chen. When the pig’s investments collapsed, the pig convinced the eagle and other animals to loan him money at 0.9% interest so he wouldn’t have to turn over the barn to the big red chen. Maybe one day the little red white and blue pig will return the money, although he recently was forced to award himself a bonus for all the hard work he was performing.

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