Monday, May 25, 2009

In which Lucifer receives three new residents in Hell

I wrote this back in the early nineties. Within days I saw Rowan Atkinson on comedy Central do a bit wearing horns and addressing newcomers to Hell, so I shelved it. A couple years later, South Park did a hiliarious scene where Satan tells the recently deceased "The correct answer was...MORMONISM."

Three infants, having died at the exact same moment, materialized atop a tangled mass of rotting bodies. Worms and parasites began crawling onto the infant's newly reconstituted bodies. Hot fumes and the smell of decomposing flesh rose from the ground. The foul air choked the infants, who could barely manage to scream and cry.

The hysterical wailing and sobbing were sharply interrupted by a long shadow cast over the infants. In a voice having much the same impact as a dentist's drill, the shadowy figure said "Welcome to Hell. I am Mr. Lucifer. You must be Gitanjali, Wing Chu, and..." Turning towards the last infant, Lucifer glanced at an electronic memo pad, then snapped a pair of smooth, sharp fingers. "Ah yes, never lived long enough to be named. You came from the States I see. They just made abortion illegal there, you'll be happy to know, but they still haven't go their infant mortality rate under control. What a shame."

Like sleepers slowly shaking off a dream, the infants became aware of their own consciousness. This was their first experience with symbolic thinking and perception. As children focused on Mr. Lucifer, they sensed there was something not nice about him, despite his remarkable physical beauty (overlooking the cloven hooves, indefatigable wings, and horns sprouting from his forehead.) Despite the reeking air, the insect bites and the burning of their flesh, the babies remained transfixed by this creature.

"Now I know this is all quite a shock, and you probably feel that the present situation is simply unfair, so allow me to explain." Lucifer hovered closer. "When grown ups have sex, they're doing something very nasty. Sex should only be done to make babies, but the grown ups often can't stop themselves from doing it. Even having lustful thoughts is very bad and sinful. The grown ups are bad, and the babies they make are bad. Conceived in sin. That's why you are here. You are the product of original sin, you are tainted by evil, an offense to the Allmighty and therefore damned. Damned for all eternity."

Gitanjali struggled to form here first word. "Why?"

"It's nothing personal. You were all born human, cursede by the sin of a man and a woman made from mud who were put in a garden a few days after the universe was created a few thousand years ago, if memory serves. These two humans were told by God not to eat a certain fruit which would give them knowledge, and of course Yahweh had to show them where the tree was heh heh. You think an All Knowing being would know better to have one of those plants just sprouting up where his children could get it, but I digress. The female human let a talking snake persuade her to take a bite of the fruit of knowledge, then she had the man try it, then they suddenly knew they were naked and hid from Yahweh. Yahweh was worried they would eat from a tree that would make the humans live forever, so he chased them down and cursed them, then sent them out of the garden paradis. He told the couple to make more people, even though the new people would end up here to be tortured forever after they died.

The nameless baby protested. "I've been good. I won't do anything bad."

Lucifer chuckled and shook his head. "Pride and vanity. All people are sinners. Even babies. You are despised by God, for you are wicked worthless bags of pus, blood, snot and shit that must be condemned to an eternity of pain and suffering. Understand this: you deserve to be tortured, and the torturing will never stop. I didn't plan things this way, but Yahweh the Allmighty All Loving Lord finds you unclean and you mujst burn."

Wing cried, "Not fair!"

"Oh but it is!" protested Lucifer. "A few people don't burn. They are called Born Again or sometimes Evangelical or Fundamentalist, things like that. A third of God came down to Earth and grew up there so he could be sacrificed, that is tortured and killed, so if you believe in him and accept him as your personal saviour, then you can live happily ever after in a place called Heaven. Of course, Kitanjali and Wing, your parents weren't Christian. They followed false religions, so even if you hadn't starved to death, you probably wouldn't have converted to true Christianity when you were older."

Lucifer turned towards the nameless baby. "Now your mother was Christian, so she is in Heaven since she died in the drive by shooting that killed you both. A pity you will never be with each other again, since she did love as much as her God and Jesus. I'm sure she has accepted the fact that you must burn in for all eternity, since that is divine will."

"You lie!" wept the damned an nameless infant soul.

Lucifer shrugged and, just before kicking the dead child into a flaming pit of snakes, said "I am the prince of all liars, that is true. However, everything I have thus far told you is the gospel truth."

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