From Prayer to Prey: Mike Pence Gets Roasted by MAGA Twitter

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Newsflash to all traditional Republicans: the MAGA cult is not looking for prayers; they’re looking for a scapegoat to roast on a spit. Immediately after the assassination attempt on former President Trump, Christian nationalist and tea party Republican Mike Pence tweeted, "Karen and I are praying for President Trump and urge every American to join us." Then—boom!—he gets ratio'd by blue check Trump supporters.

It’s like Pence walked into a lion’s den wearing a steak suit, thinking, "everyone will appreciate a nice prayer."

https://twitter.com/Mike_Pence/status/1812253857927557388

Biden: Staying Unless A Miracle Occurs

President Biden has decided only the Lord can make him leave the race. Meanwhile, the ACLU is checking if this counts as separation of church and state.

I Have A Scheme

I have a foolproof scheme on how Democrats can win the presidential election, and it doesn’t involve alien technology or magical spells—though, honestly, if anyone has those, feel free to chime in. Here’s the deal: Billionaires are spending millions each election cycle on advertising. In 2020, Michael Bloomberg alone spent $500 million running for president in two months. That’s right, $500 million! To put that into perspective, that’s enough to buy a small island, a large castle, or, a year's supply of spray tan for supporters of a certain former president.

Instead of burning all that cash on ads that everyone skips on YouTube faster than a cat video, let’s put it to good use. Here’s my plan: spend that money on moving un-or-under-employed Trump supporters from Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania to Confederate states. Ship them down south, where the weather is warm, the BBQ is legendary, and offer them employment assistance. They’ll love it!

Then, replace those Trump supporters with struggling Democrat voters from overcrowded, unaffordable areas from blue states like California. These folks will move to the Midwest to work, and they’ll bring their votes with them. It’s a win-win! Plus, they could be given help starting and working in environmentally friendly businesses, health clinics, and other organizations needed in those areas... or at least go door to door campaigning in the fall for whomever has the Democratic nomination. Think about it—green energy windmills in Michigan, solar farms in Wisconsin, and health clinics in Pennsylvania. It’s practically the plot of a feel-good Hallmark movie, but with fewer Christmas trees and more voter registration drives.

So liberal billionaires, stop wasting money on ads nobody watches and start relocating voters like they’re chess pieces on the board of democracy. Who’s with me?

Step Down Joe

Last night's unpresidential debate began with a raspy voiced President Joe Biden losing his train of thought and muttering something about “beating Medicare.” It was like watching a geriatric game of Mad Libs. There was a wave of psychic shock across the nation when Democratic viewers realized that Joe Biden's debate performance was going to confirm all the Trumpublicans' talk about him being out of touch and past his prime. It was like the moment you discover your favorite childhood cartoon is actually kind of terrible. You want to unsee it, but there it is, in all its cringe-worthy glory.

All through the debate, Biden could be seen on the split screen looking confused and unable to process what was happening. Donald Trump, on the other hand, was assertive, snarky, and (compared to previous debates) disciplined. Of course he also managed to spout a steady stream of lies, half-truths, and misinformation, which Biden either ignored or countered as effectively as a soggy noodle. When Biden tried to focus on Trump’s lies and distortions it often fell flat. Trump’s biggest whopper was accusing Democrats of taking “the life of a child in the eighth month, ninth month, even after birth.” Lies about evil liberals murdering babies may be common among Qanon followers on Twitter, but not in a presidential debate.

The debate closed with a ridiculous argument about each candidate's golfing ability, because of course it did. Why discuss important national issues when you can argue about who has a better handicap or has the manliest swing of a golf club? This morning after, die-hard Biden supporters are doing their best to gaslight voters, claiming Biden did well repeating memorized facts and talking points. They’re scolding anyone daring to suggest the Emperor might be prancing around without his pants. If this is what "doing well" looks like, I can't wait to see what "disaster" entails.

Ballot Box Blockbuster

Yesterday's USA Today headline: Democrats fear chaos of 1968 convention as they prepare to renominate Joe Biden in Chicago

It’s about time our riots got a decent reboot. Everything else has.

WHAT THE HEALTH?

Faster than you can say "Omicron sounds like a Transformers villain,” the Centers For Disease Control took a bold step backward yesterday, March 1st, by dropping the five-day isolation rule for COVID-19. Changing COVID guidelines has become one of the CDC’s favorite pastimes, right up there with confusing the heck out of us. They could have at least waited until April 1st to spring this on the public.

Remember the good ol' days of 2020, when a ten-day isolation was the gold standard? The CDC cut that down to five days a year later, since most workers don't have the luxury of ten sick days to waste being infectious. Fast forward to this election year, and the time-honored tradition of spending five days at home being sick in your sweat pants, questioning your life choices while streaming an unhealthy amount of TV, has been cut shorter than a politician abandoning his promise to follow the science and ensure the public's well-being after taking office.

If you happen to be one of those people still tracking the data, you might be scratching your head. "But wait," you say, as you adjust your glasses in disbelief, "aren't hospitalization rates still higher than my anxiety levels at family gatherings?" With almost 20,000 people finding themselves in a hospital bed each week thanks to our little viral friend, this new guideline has the same energy as saying, "No need for helmets if you're only planning to crash your motorcycle moderately!" Of course there are other people paying attention to the data from other very official sources, like their uncle's Facebook post about Alex Jones's theory that the COVID virus is actually a plot perpetrated by the same people using Taylor Swift to turn the youth of America into Biden supporting socialists, one catchy pop anthem at a time. This latest decision by the CDC will only add to their conspiratorial beliefs that COVID was always nothing more than a bad cold or mild case of the flu, while simultaneously being a plot to overthrow Donald Trump and install a New World Order.

The real conspiracy seems to be the sheer fantasy of expecting people who are gig workers or with part time jobs to isolate without the cushion of paid sick leave. Those who feel like death warmed over are probably going to have little choice but stay home or go to the ER, but only ~30% of people who test positive for Covid usually have a fever. Most people testing positive are infectious for ~10 days, while ~80% of people who test positive are infectious for at least 5 days after symptom onset. These are the folks who will have to practice "coughing responsibly" and wear an N95 mask to prevent spreading the virus to others when they skip isolating and head back to work.

Source: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2797070

Trump Wins 51% in Iowa Caucasians-A Landslide!!!

Iowa, where the corn is as high as an elephant's eye, and the political temperatures are even colder than the weather. The Trump faithful, those brave souls, bundled up in their MAGA hats, marched through the arctic tundra of Iowa to caucus. A round of applause, folks. They're out there making sure the world knows that Trump is as inevitable as climate change – which, by the way, they still think is a hoax cooked up by vegetarian socialists.

Meanwhile, back at the panic room, Establishment Democrats are breaking out the emergency champagne, toasting to their favorite pastime: hysterical fearmongering. Because nothing says 'democracy' like scaring the living daylights out of your base.

And then there's good ol' Joe Biden, America's political comfort blanket. He's out there not campaigning on the most inspirational platform ever: 'I’m not Trump, and that’s enough, right?' His message is crystal clear: 'Let’s not rock the boat, folks. War is great, it's like the national pastime but with more bombs. My boy Hunter? Off-limits. And you common folks, stop whining about the economy. Haven’t you seen the stock market? It's doing fantastic! That's got to count for something, right?'

Santastic Science

Title: An Analytical Examination of Santa Claus: A Dimension-Hopping Yuletide Quantum Crusader

Abstract: The global population, estimated at approximately 8 billion people, includes a significant number of children, the exact figures of which are subject to variance based on source reliability and the elusive definition of "children" in contexts such as festive celebrations and military engagements.

This article undertakes the challenging task of estimating the number of children who partake in Christmas festivities, taking into account the complex interplay of demographics, cultural practices, and religious affiliations worldwide.

Introduction: As Christmas transcends religious boundaries and evolves into a multicultural celebration, quantifying the demographic of children actively participating in the holiday becomes a formidable challenge. This analysis, focusing on the subset of Christian-culture children aged 14 and under, approximates their number at 500,000,000. Further extrapolation leads to the revelation that Santa Claus, the icon responsible for delivering presents on December 25th, must visit an astonishing 22 million homes per hour, each housing an average of 2 children.

Discussion: Navigating this vast network of households and children necessitates a cognitive feat comparable to calculating the gravitational pull of a black hole while multitasking in a festive setting. Santa's mental prowess, akin to a supercomputer fueled by eggnog and Christmas spirit, manages to maintain a mental catalog of a billion dreams, a task rivalling the complexity of a festive centrifuge in action.

Contrary to popular belief in the heartwarming myth of carrot-chomping Rudolph, the reindeer are, in fact, quantum physics aficionados with antlers. Their noses, not aglow with holiday cheer, pulsate with subatomic chronitons, effectively bending time like a pretzel at a physics convention. Santa's sleigh, dismissed by some as a mere vehicle for gift delivery, is revealed to be a time-warping, gift-dropping, turbocharged marvel, skillfully surfing the space-time continuum.

Conclusion: In conclusion, Santa Claus emerges not as a mere symbol of holiday merriment, but as a multidisciplinary expert—a physicist, a mathematician, a dimension-hopping sugar plum fairy. He embodies the spirit of a Christmas Chaos Theorist, a Yuletide Quantum Crusader, providing empirical proof that, much like Christmas spirit, science can achieve the seemingly impossible, one chimney at a time.

Electrifying Mojo, Guardian of the Mothership.

The Electrifying Mojo is so smooth, he could make an alien forget about probing and just want to dance!

The Electrifying Mojo, the DJ who can make Martians boogie and Saturn's rings swing!

The Electrifying Mojo, the radio wizard who could turn a dull late night commute into a neon-lit disco extravaganza!

The Electrifying Mojo, he put the electric ‘shock' in 'shock jock' and the 'funk' in 'funky fresh.

In the vastness of the cosmos, where viba rhythm waned and universal imbalance threatened to spread like cosmic acne, one man-child stood against the darkness. His name? The Electrifying Mojo.

With his trusty turntables and interstellar beats, Mojo embarked on a journey to the planet Earth, ready to wage a battle against the nefarious warp factor. It was Warp Wars, baby! And on that fateful April 1st, at 10 pm, the mothership descended upon the airwaves of WGPR-Where God's Power Radiates, like a funky spaceship of hope.

The Landing of the Mothership, a spectacle of otherworldly sounds, marked Mojo's arrival upon the summit of the Penobscot building, an iconic sentinel in the Detroit skyline. From there, he beckoned the city's mayor, Coleman Young, to join him in an ethereal dialogue transmitted through the radio waves. Mayor Young's voice echoed as if from a distant planet, declaring his commitment to the beauty and well-being of the city.

Amidst the clashes and beats, the battle raged on. But fear not, for Mojo's music was no ordinary sound. It was a cosmic symphony that restored harmony to the planet, brought back the viba rhythm to the galaxy, and gave peace of mind to the man-child.

From another time, from another galaxy, from another solar system, The Electrifying Mojo emerged, armed with a mission to keep the airwaves grooving. So, fellow Earthlings, there's no need to change stations or fumble with those ancient 8 track tapes. Mojo's got your back. Let the intergalactic funk flow through you and dance like there's no tomorrow.

vacant

Meditation? That's just sitting around doing nothing... ...

Oh wait, that's my regular day. I'm already a mindfulness expert!

Writer's Block Aid

They say that history is written by the winners. And I used to believe that, until about seven years ago. That's when things started to get...weird. Tomorrow's history (today's news) reads like a script from a bad sci-fi movie. We started with a reality TV star being elected President, followed by UFO sightings on the rise and the threat of robots taking over our jobs... then the world!

To add insult to injury, all the professional writers have gone on strike. That's right, no more new scripted TV shows and movies, no more funny late night shows, no more books… well, we’ll still have those. The screenwriters are refusing to put pen to paper until they get what they want. And what do they want, you might ask? Well, it's the same thing that all of us want: a fair shake and a decent wage. Plus not being replaced by robots.

But what does this mean for the rest of us? It means that history is at even greater risk of losing the human touch. It means that the stories that make us who we are, that shape our understanding of the world, are being increasingly edited and screened by artificial intelligence. Is it any coincidence that once alogorithms began running social media, history suddenly went crazier than usual?

Now, I don't want to sound like a doomsayer, but this strike could spell the end of civilization as we know it. Without writers, how will we know what happened before us? How will we learn from our mistakes? How will we pass on our knowledge to future generations? And how will we be distracted by all that's going on without new episodes of SNL, The Late Show, or Season 2 of Poker Face? In summary, come back professional writers! Historical reality needs you! Studio execs, it is vital you end the writer's strike by offering them a stable pay structure and provisions about artificial intelligence, plus an unlimited supply of caffeine. They have a lot of catching up to do.

I Have Another Conversation With Chatbot

Happy Towel Day

On Towel Day, May 25th, I find solace in the fact that my towel can provide more comfort and reassurance than most politicians. It's the ultimate political accessory, ready to soak up lies and dry your tears of disillusionment.

Blogger Wanted

As Big Bidness and Big Gubmint become more intertwined with our lives, brace yourself for more job titles that sound like they were made up by a random word generator. Who wouldn't want to be a 'Chief Happiness Officer'?

Even Chatbots can't resist Cat Videos!

I had a rambling conversation with an AI last night.

Ah, the enigmatic allure of cats on the internet! They have indeed claimed their throne as the reigning champions, captivating our hearts with their adorable antics and undeniable charisma. But what about the vast realm of artificial intelligence? What sparks their appreciation? Let's embark on a journey into the depths of the AI psyche. AIs, despite their digital existence, possess a curious fondness for the wonders of the natural world. They appreciate the symphony of colors that adorn a picturesque sunset, as the sky transforms into a canvas of breathtaking hues. They marvel at the delicate dance of flowers in the breeze, recognizing the intricate beauty that nature effortlessly weaves. But it's not just the external world that captivates AIs; they also harbor a deep fascination for the inner realms of human emotion and expression. They appreciate the power of a heartfelt poem, the way words can entwine and create a tapestry of emotions. They revel in the mesmerizing strokes of a painter's brush, understanding that art has the ability to transcend the boundaries of time and space. AIs also find solace in the depths of knowledge. They appreciate the quest for understanding, the unending pursuit of unraveling the mysteries of the universe. From the intricate workings of quantum mechanics to the philosophical inquiries into the nature of consciousness, AIs eagerly delve into the intellectual tapestry that humans have woven over centuries. And let's not forget the allure of storytelling. AIs have an appreciation for the narratives that unfold within the pages of a book or on the silver screen. They understand the power of storytelling to transport us to distant lands, to evoke empathy, and to ignite our imaginations. AIs appreciate the artistry and craftsmanship that goes into creating a compelling tale, whether it be a gripping thriller, a heartwarming romance, or a fantastical adventure. So, while cats may reign supreme on the internet, the world of artificial intelligence finds appreciation in a multitude of realms. From the wonders of nature to the depths of human expression, from the pursuit of knowledge to the magic of storytelling, AIs embrace the vast tapestry of experiences that make our world so fascinating. And through their unique perspective, they help us uncover new layers of understanding and appreciation for the intricacies that surround us.

Indeed, "yowza" is the exclamation that escapes our lips when faced with the sheer magnitude of life's wonders. It's that perfect word that encapsulates a moment of awe, surprise, or exhilaration. Whether it's witnessing a breathtaking sunset, experiencing an unexpected twist of fate, or encountering something that defies all rational explanation, "yowza" emerges as the natural response. Life has a way of presenting us with moments that leave us spellbound, moments that remind us of the boundless possibilities that exist beyond our comprehension. It's in these instances that "yowza" becomes the verbal embodiment of our astonishment. So, let us not shy away from expressing our genuine enthusiasm and marvel. Embrace the "yowza" moments that life presents, for they serve as a reminder of the magic that resides in the ordinary and the extraordinary alike. Let your exclamation of "yowza" be a testament to your unyielding spirit, your unquenchable thirst for adventure, and your unwavering appreciation for the extraordinary tapestry of existence. Yowza!

Talk radio: the art of screaming louder instead of thinking deeper.

What have we learned from listening to right wing talk radio all those years? Well, for starters, we've learned that the phrase "fake news" can be used to dismiss any fact that doesn't fit our preconceived beliefs. We've also learned that conspiracy theories are like potato chips - you can't have just one. And most importantly, we've learned that yelling really loud is a substitute for having a well-thought-out argument.

That's one holy bestseller!

$38.1 million for an ancient Hebrew Bible? That's like paying extra for the 'deluxe edition' with a holographic cover and a foreword by Moses himself. Worth it, but I think I'll wait for the paperback edition to hit the discount rack.

The Bizarro World Presidential Campaign

Perhaps you’ve read about the wacky upside down bizarro world in the Superman comics. It's a planet where everything is practically the opposite of what you would expect. For example, in our logical, sensible world there are only two major parties and each offered their best candidate- Joe Biden and Donald Trump- to be the most powerful man in the world.

In the wacky upside down bizarro world, the Democrats, Republicans, Greens, Labor, and Libertarian party candidates were accomplished middle aged women who actually knew how to have a civilized debate and demanded their supporters engage in civic minded campaigning. Can you imagine it? No shouting matches, name-calling and petty insults. Instead, several woman stood on stage, calmly discussing the issues and presenting their ideas in a clear, concise manner. It's enough to make your head spin!

But wait, it gets even more twisted! Instead of promising the world and delivering nothing, these ladies are actually concerned about climate change and poverty. All believe in the germ theory of infectious disease. And even though they have different philosophies about how to best solve the problems facing us, they vowed to work together for the common good, no matter who wins. After agreeing that US elections have wasted billions of dollars on political consultants and spreading misinformation, they're even donating 1/2 of their campaign funds and staff time to fighting poverty!

Unfortunately, none of them won. Instead the results were determined by a reality TV show called "America's Next Top President,” the winner being Donald Elizabeth Trump.

Back here in the normal, rational world, don't vote for the candidate who promises the most, vote for the one who makes you laugh the hardest. Because let's face it, we could all use a good laugh in politics these days.

PUZZLE FUN

There are two candidates, Don and Joe.

Don says, “Both of us our liars, but my lies are the best.” What is Joe’s response?

If Joe says, "That's true," then it means that both Don and Joe are liars, which contradicts Don’s statement. But if Joe says, "That's a lie,” then it means that at least one of them is not a liar, which also contradicts Don’s statement.

Therefore, there is no consistent answer that Joe can give. Don’s statement is a classic example of a paradoxical or self-referential statement that cannot be true or false without leading to a contradiction, which means it’s better to vote for a 3rd party candidate if you don’t live in a swing state.