From Prayer to Prey: Mike Pence Gets Roasted by MAGA Twitter

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Newsflash to all traditional Republicans: the MAGA cult is not looking for prayers; they’re looking for a scapegoat to roast on a spit. Immediately after the assassination attempt on former President Trump, Christian nationalist and tea party Republican Mike Pence tweeted, "Karen and I are praying for President Trump and urge every American to join us." Then—boom!—he gets ratio'd by blue check Trump supporters.

It’s like Pence walked into a lion’s den wearing a steak suit, thinking, "everyone will appreciate a nice prayer."

https://twitter.com/Mike_Pence/status/1812253857927557388

Biden: Staying Unless A Miracle Occurs

President Biden has decided only the Lord can make him leave the race. Meanwhile, the ACLU is checking if this counts as separation of church and state.

I Have A Scheme

I have a foolproof scheme on how Democrats can win the presidential election, and it doesn’t involve alien technology or magical spells—though, honestly, if anyone has those, feel free to chime in. Here’s the deal: Billionaires are spending millions each election cycle on advertising. In 2020, Michael Bloomberg alone spent $500 million running for president in two months. That’s right, $500 million! To put that into perspective, that’s enough to buy a small island, a large castle, or, a year's supply of spray tan for supporters of a certain former president.

Instead of burning all that cash on ads that everyone skips on YouTube faster than a cat video, let’s put it to good use. Here’s my plan: spend that money on moving un-or-under-employed Trump supporters from Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania to Confederate states. Ship them down south, where the weather is warm, the BBQ is legendary, and offer them employment assistance. They’ll love it!

Then, replace those Trump supporters with struggling Democrat voters from overcrowded, unaffordable areas from blue states like California. These folks will move to the Midwest to work, and they’ll bring their votes with them. It’s a win-win! Plus, they could be given help starting and working in environmentally friendly businesses, health clinics, and other organizations needed in those areas... or at least go door to door campaigning in the fall for whomever has the Democratic nomination. Think about it—green energy windmills in Michigan, solar farms in Wisconsin, and health clinics in Pennsylvania. It’s practically the plot of a feel-good Hallmark movie, but with fewer Christmas trees and more voter registration drives.

So liberal billionaires, stop wasting money on ads nobody watches and start relocating voters like they’re chess pieces on the board of democracy. Who’s with me?

Step Down Joe

Last night's unpresidential debate began with a raspy voiced President Joe Biden losing his train of thought and muttering something about “beating Medicare.” It was like watching a geriatric game of Mad Libs. There was a wave of psychic shock across the nation when Democratic viewers realized that Joe Biden's debate performance was going to confirm all the Trumpublicans' talk about him being out of touch and past his prime. It was like the moment you discover your favorite childhood cartoon is actually kind of terrible. You want to unsee it, but there it is, in all its cringe-worthy glory.

All through the debate, Biden could be seen on the split screen looking confused and unable to process what was happening. Donald Trump, on the other hand, was assertive, snarky, and (compared to previous debates) disciplined. Of course he also managed to spout a steady stream of lies, half-truths, and misinformation, which Biden either ignored or countered as effectively as a soggy noodle. When Biden tried to focus on Trump’s lies and distortions it often fell flat. Trump’s biggest whopper was accusing Democrats of taking “the life of a child in the eighth month, ninth month, even after birth.” Lies about evil liberals murdering babies may be common among Qanon followers on Twitter, but not in a presidential debate.

The debate closed with a ridiculous argument about each candidate's golfing ability, because of course it did. Why discuss important national issues when you can argue about who has a better handicap or has the manliest swing of a golf club? This morning after, die-hard Biden supporters are doing their best to gaslight voters, claiming Biden did well repeating memorized facts and talking points. They’re scolding anyone daring to suggest the Emperor might be prancing around without his pants. If this is what "doing well" looks like, I can't wait to see what "disaster" entails.

Ballot Box Blockbuster

Yesterday's USA Today headline: Democrats fear chaos of 1968 convention as they prepare to renominate Joe Biden in Chicago

It’s about time our riots got a decent reboot. Everything else has.

WHAT THE HEALTH?

Faster than you can say "Omicron sounds like a Transformers villain,” the Centers For Disease Control took a bold step backward yesterday, March 1st, by dropping the five-day isolation rule for COVID-19. Changing COVID guidelines has become one of the CDC’s favorite pastimes, right up there with confusing the heck out of us. They could have at least waited until April 1st to spring this on the public.

Remember the good ol' days of 2020, when a ten-day isolation was the gold standard? The CDC cut that down to five days a year later, since most workers don't have the luxury of ten sick days to waste being infectious. Fast forward to this election year, and the time-honored tradition of spending five days at home being sick in your sweat pants, questioning your life choices while streaming an unhealthy amount of TV, has been cut shorter than a politician abandoning his promise to follow the science and ensure the public's well-being after taking office.

If you happen to be one of those people still tracking the data, you might be scratching your head. "But wait," you say, as you adjust your glasses in disbelief, "aren't hospitalization rates still higher than my anxiety levels at family gatherings?" With almost 20,000 people finding themselves in a hospital bed each week thanks to our little viral friend, this new guideline has the same energy as saying, "No need for helmets if you're only planning to crash your motorcycle moderately!" Of course there are other people paying attention to the data from other very official sources, like their uncle's Facebook post about Alex Jones's theory that the COVID virus is actually a plot perpetrated by the same people using Taylor Swift to turn the youth of America into Biden supporting socialists, one catchy pop anthem at a time. This latest decision by the CDC will only add to their conspiratorial beliefs that COVID was always nothing more than a bad cold or mild case of the flu, while simultaneously being a plot to overthrow Donald Trump and install a New World Order.

The real conspiracy seems to be the sheer fantasy of expecting people who are gig workers or with part time jobs to isolate without the cushion of paid sick leave. Those who feel like death warmed over are probably going to have little choice but stay home or go to the ER, but only ~30% of people who test positive for Covid usually have a fever. Most people testing positive are infectious for ~10 days, while ~80% of people who test positive are infectious for at least 5 days after symptom onset. These are the folks who will have to practice "coughing responsibly" and wear an N95 mask to prevent spreading the virus to others when they skip isolating and head back to work.

Source: https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2797070

Trump Wins 51% in Iowa Caucasians-A Landslide!!!

Iowa, where the corn is as high as an elephant's eye, and the political temperatures are even colder than the weather. The Trump faithful, those brave souls, bundled up in their MAGA hats, marched through the arctic tundra of Iowa to caucus. A round of applause, folks. They're out there making sure the world knows that Trump is as inevitable as climate change – which, by the way, they still think is a hoax cooked up by vegetarian socialists.

Meanwhile, back at the panic room, Establishment Democrats are breaking out the emergency champagne, toasting to their favorite pastime: hysterical fearmongering. Because nothing says 'democracy' like scaring the living daylights out of your base.

And then there's good ol' Joe Biden, America's political comfort blanket. He's out there not campaigning on the most inspirational platform ever: 'I’m not Trump, and that’s enough, right?' His message is crystal clear: 'Let’s not rock the boat, folks. War is great, it's like the national pastime but with more bombs. My boy Hunter? Off-limits. And you common folks, stop whining about the economy. Haven’t you seen the stock market? It's doing fantastic! That's got to count for something, right?'