From Prayer to Prey: Mike Pence Gets Roasted by MAGA Twitter

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Newsflash to all traditional Republicans: the MAGA cult is not looking for prayers; they’re looking for a scapegoat to roast on a spit. Immediately after the assassination attempt on former President Trump, Christian nationalist and tea party Republican Mike Pence tweeted, "Karen and I are praying for President Trump and urge every American to join us." Then—boom!—he gets ratio'd by blue check Trump supporters.

It’s like Pence walked into a lion’s den wearing a steak suit, thinking, "everyone will appreciate a nice prayer."

https://twitter.com/Mike_Pence/status/1812253857927557388

Biden: Staying Unless A Miracle Occurs

President Biden has decided only the Lord can make him leave the race. Meanwhile, the ACLU is checking if this counts as separation of church and state.

I Have A Scheme

I have a foolproof scheme on how Democrats can win the presidential election, and it doesn’t involve alien technology or magical spells—though, honestly, if anyone has those, feel free to chime in. Here’s the deal: Billionaires are spending millions each election cycle on advertising. In 2020, Michael Bloomberg alone spent $500 million running for president in two months. That’s right, $500 million! To put that into perspective, that’s enough to buy a small island, a large castle, or, a year's supply of spray tan for supporters of a certain former president.

Instead of burning all that cash on ads that everyone skips on YouTube faster than a cat video, let’s put it to good use. Here’s my plan: spend that money on moving un-or-under-employed Trump supporters from Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania to Confederate states. Ship them down south, where the weather is warm, the BBQ is legendary, and offer them employment assistance. They’ll love it!

Then, replace those Trump supporters with struggling Democrat voters from overcrowded, unaffordable areas from blue states like California. These folks will move to the Midwest to work, and they’ll bring their votes with them. It’s a win-win! Plus, they could be given help starting and working in environmentally friendly businesses, health clinics, and other organizations needed in those areas... or at least go door to door campaigning in the fall for whomever has the Democratic nomination. Think about it—green energy windmills in Michigan, solar farms in Wisconsin, and health clinics in Pennsylvania. It’s practically the plot of a feel-good Hallmark movie, but with fewer Christmas trees and more voter registration drives.

So liberal billionaires, stop wasting money on ads nobody watches and start relocating voters like they’re chess pieces on the board of democracy. Who’s with me?