Friday, May 29, 2009

The Power of Prayer

One of my teaching assistants has been out since Easter with back problems and terrible pain. She is a woman of faith who attends church every Saturday and works three jobs. Her substitute for the last 2 months is a generous woman who goes to the same church. Over the weeks the substitute began witnessing to one of my other assistants. She told him how her family has prospered due to their tithing and prayers, and how she miraculously recovered from an illness that the doctors say should have killed her, thanks to you know who.

I kept my mouth shut, but wanted to point out the setting where she was praising God and the power of prayer to bring wealth and health. Maybe God could have sent someone to interfere before a disabled fourteen year old girl got pregnant. Maybe God could cure at least one of the severe and profoundly disabling conditions of the students down the hall. Why didn't God intervene when a little boy with autism and cerebral palsy was abused, or when the same little boy received lead poisoning? Apparently the families of kids with severe and profound disabilities or extreme emotional disabilities don't give enough money to the right churches, or they aren't praying hard enough.

Monday, May 25, 2009

In which Lucifer receives three new residents in Hell

I wrote this back in the early nineties. Within days I saw Rowan Atkinson on comedy Central do a bit wearing horns and addressing newcomers to Hell, so I shelved it. A couple years later, South Park did a hiliarious scene where Satan tells the recently deceased "The correct answer was...MORMONISM."

Three infants, having died at the exact same moment, materialized atop a tangled mass of rotting bodies. Worms and parasites began crawling onto the infant's newly reconstituted bodies. Hot fumes and the smell of decomposing flesh rose from the ground. The foul air choked the infants, who could barely manage to scream and cry.

The hysterical wailing and sobbing were sharply interrupted by a long shadow cast over the infants. In a voice having much the same impact as a dentist's drill, the shadowy figure said "Welcome to Hell. I am Mr. Lucifer. You must be Gitanjali, Wing Chu, and..." Turning towards the last infant, Lucifer glanced at an electronic memo pad, then snapped a pair of smooth, sharp fingers. "Ah yes, never lived long enough to be named. You came from the States I see. They just made abortion illegal there, you'll be happy to know, but they still haven't go their infant mortality rate under control. What a shame."

Like sleepers slowly shaking off a dream, the infants became aware of their own consciousness. This was their first experience with symbolic thinking and perception. As children focused on Mr. Lucifer, they sensed there was something not nice about him, despite his remarkable physical beauty (overlooking the cloven hooves, indefatigable wings, and horns sprouting from his forehead.) Despite the reeking air, the insect bites and the burning of their flesh, the babies remained transfixed by this creature.

"Now I know this is all quite a shock, and you probably feel that the present situation is simply unfair, so allow me to explain." Lucifer hovered closer. "When grown ups have sex, they're doing something very nasty. Sex should only be done to make babies, but the grown ups often can't stop themselves from doing it. Even having lustful thoughts is very bad and sinful. The grown ups are bad, and the babies they make are bad. Conceived in sin. That's why you are here. You are the product of original sin, you are tainted by evil, an offense to the Allmighty and therefore damned. Damned for all eternity."

Gitanjali struggled to form here first word. "Why?"

"It's nothing personal. You were all born human, cursede by the sin of a man and a woman made from mud who were put in a garden a few days after the universe was created a few thousand years ago, if memory serves. These two humans were told by God not to eat a certain fruit which would give them knowledge, and of course Yahweh had to show them where the tree was heh heh. You think an All Knowing being would know better to have one of those plants just sprouting up where his children could get it, but I digress. The female human let a talking snake persuade her to take a bite of the fruit of knowledge, then she had the man try it, then they suddenly knew they were naked and hid from Yahweh. Yahweh was worried they would eat from a tree that would make the humans live forever, so he chased them down and cursed them, then sent them out of the garden paradis. He told the couple to make more people, even though the new people would end up here to be tortured forever after they died.

The nameless baby protested. "I've been good. I won't do anything bad."

Lucifer chuckled and shook his head. "Pride and vanity. All people are sinners. Even babies. You are despised by God, for you are wicked worthless bags of pus, blood, snot and shit that must be condemned to an eternity of pain and suffering. Understand this: you deserve to be tortured, and the torturing will never stop. I didn't plan things this way, but Yahweh the Allmighty All Loving Lord finds you unclean and you mujst burn."

Wing cried, "Not fair!"

"Oh but it is!" protested Lucifer. "A few people don't burn. They are called Born Again or sometimes Evangelical or Fundamentalist, things like that. A third of God came down to Earth and grew up there so he could be sacrificed, that is tortured and killed, so if you believe in him and accept him as your personal saviour, then you can live happily ever after in a place called Heaven. Of course, Kitanjali and Wing, your parents weren't Christian. They followed false religions, so even if you hadn't starved to death, you probably wouldn't have converted to true Christianity when you were older."

Lucifer turned towards the nameless baby. "Now your mother was Christian, so she is in Heaven since she died in the drive by shooting that killed you both. A pity you will never be with each other again, since she did love as much as her God and Jesus. I'm sure she has accepted the fact that you must burn in for all eternity, since that is divine will."

"You lie!" wept the damned an nameless infant soul.

Lucifer shrugged and, just before kicking the dead child into a flaming pit of snakes, said "I am the prince of all liars, that is true. However, everything I have thus far told you is the gospel truth."

Sunday, May 24, 2009

MANCOW Is Soaked

Shock jock turned conservative morning radio host MANCOW was waterboarded Friday and concluded it was torture. Details here.

Sunday Morning quotes for Contemplation

"Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."
-George W. Bush
Address to a Joint Session of Congress and the American People, September 20, 2001

"Forbid him not, for he that is not against us is for us."
-Luke 9:50

"He that is not with me is against me..."
-Luke 11:23

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Quotes for Today

"God had a divine purpose in placing this land between two great oceans to be found by those who had a special love of freedom and courage." -Ronald Reagan
"I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just." -Thomas Jefferson
"You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense, I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions, but I don't have to be nice to them." -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club, January 14, 1991

“Catholic, Protestant and Jew, Buddhist, Muslim and Hindu / I bet they want the devil too / In the ecumenical movement."
-Jerry Falwell LP Feudin’, Fussin’ & Frettin’,

Saturday, May 16, 2009


Alan Keyes was arrested for a second time in 2 weeks protesting Notre Dame's endorsement of baby killing and communism by inviting the baby killer Obama to speak at graduation. Details can be found at the right wing propaganda site World Net Daily here.

Less than five years ago, Keyes moved to Illinois so the GOP could appoint him to run against some black guy named Obama for the US Senate. Keyes lost the election, moved back to Maryland, but refused to concede because one does not concede to immorality and evil.

Imagine what Alan Keyes' state of mind must be like now. Keyes had run for president twice before, and somehow this African American Chicago liberal hack comes along and gets the job. Keyes filed lawsuits against Obama after the 2008 election challenging Obama's citizenship. Now Mr. Keyes refuses to refer to Obama as "President," preferring the title "Usurper" instead. What does a conservative demagogue have to do to get some attention around here?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Where we've gone before

Curious about the new Star Trek 90210 film? The Onion has all the coverage you need...

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Tortured Logic

The past few weeks have had a lot of commentary on the use of "enhanced interrogation."

From Wikipedia:

In August 1968, a program of severe torture began on McCain. He was subjected to rope bindings and repeated beatings every two hours, at the same time as he was suffering from dysentery... After four days, McCain made an anti-American propaganda "confession". He has always felt that his statement was dishonorable, but as he later wrote, "I had learned what we all learned over there: Every man has his breaking point. I had reached mine."

Senator McCain's "confession" to war crimes was false, but he lied because he had reached his breaking point. Are enemy combatants any less likely to lie to their captors in Abu Gharib or Guantanamo?

Assistant Teacher/Messiah Wanted

Spiderman's Greatest Bible Stories link

Every few weeks I get an email from career builder dot com with classified job announcements. here's one that I am only partially qualified for:
Assistant Teacher (Messiah) - Chicago, IL
New! Lutheran Social Services of Illinois - Chicago, IL
(Few applicants) (Fair Match)